


Fish Tales

by Wyndewalker



Series: 5 More Relatives Xander Never Met [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, RED (2010)
Genre: Bad Puns, Community: trope_bingo, Crack, Fish Puns, Gen, Handcuffs, Trope Bingo Round 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-23 04:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/922244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wyndewalker/pseuds/Wyndewalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sadly, waking up in handcuffs was the most normal thing about Agent William Cooper's day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fish Tales

Despite what you see in the movies and on TV about CIA agents they do not, in fact, spend a lot of time in handcuffs having been captured by whatever group they were trying to infiltrate. At least that hadn't been Agent William Cooper's experience. He considered agents who got caught on a regular basis sloppy and deserving of being shot. He could count on one hand with fingers left over the number of times he'd been handcuffed or even tied up outside of training.

So when he woke with his head pounding and his hands handcuffed behind his back at an awkward angle he was not a happy agent. Shifting to try and relieve the tension in his shoulders, Cooper froze, his eyes snapping open when a voice spoke behind him.

"Listen, dude, I'm glad that you're finally awake but could you maybe not do that because I don't think it's your intention to grope me," the voice said. Male, American though recently spent a lengthy amount of time in Africa based on accent inflections, probably mid to late twenties, Cooper automatically analyzed as he continued speaking. "Unless it is your intention to grope me in which case I expect dinner first. Maybe a name. And, you know, seeing what you look like. Name's Xander Harris, by the way."

Cooper ignored him for the moment to actually take stock of the situation. It looked like they were in some kind of warehouse. It was late afternoon based on the angle of the light coming in. That meant he’d been taken close to 24 hours ago. Michelle and the kids would be worried sick by now. He was seated on a straight-backed chair, legs tied to it. His hands were cuffed behind him around the waist of this Harris guy. Harris' arms were in the same position around Cooper’s waist; his hands loosely curled into fists to likely avoid the unintentional groping Cooper had just done. Skin tone was the rosy tan of a Caucasian who spent large amounts of time in the sun.

"Hey, you nod off again, dude?" Harris asked at Cooper's continued silence.

"No," he said shortly. "Where are we?"

"Wow. Someone's a grumpypants when he gets kidnapped. Me, personally, I've learned to just go with the flow. Nine times out of ten kidnappers are either total idiots or they're egotistical idiots with delusions of grandeur which, really, when you think about it boils down to the same thing. Either way all you really need to do is relax and wait for them to practically gift wrap the opportunity to escape. Of course it usually means putting up with the Evil Overlord Monologue of serious boredom. I mean, do they go to an evil overlord school where they learn how to give boring speeches? Because I have heard..."

"Do you ever shut up?" Cooper snapped then winced as his headache spiked. This guy was beginning to remind him of Frank Moses' girlfriend Sarah. God, he hoped the two weren't related.

"Sadly," a different voice answered entering the room, "Mr. Harris is well-known in certain circles for his inability to shut up. Quite taxing, I assure you."

Cooper blinked up at the... _thing_ standing in front of him. It was humanoid looking, standing on two legs with two arms, but beyond that it was more fish-like than human. Right down to the multiple rows of needle sharp teeth it showed when it smiled.

"Guppy!" Harris called with bright cheer though Cooper could feel the sudden tension in his body.

The thing glared at the back of Harris' head. "It's Guhpi."

"Right. Guppy, let us go or I'm going to filet you like the spineless goldfish that you are," Harris growled.

For a brief moment Cooper thought the thing was going to rip off his head as it went after Harris. But then the look of rage passed and it actually laughed.

"Oh, Harris, how you slay me," the thing chuckled moving so they could both see it. "Get it? Slay me? Ha! I do so love a good pun, don't you?"

"Eat seaweed and choke," Harris retorted. "What do you want, Guppy? And what's the deal with the civilian?"

"Hey, who're you calling a civilian?" Cooper protested.

"You've dealt with many demons then?" Harris asked snidely.

"There's no such thing as demons," Cooper responded but even he could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"Then what do you call the overgrown goldfish over there?"

"A hallucination brought on by whatever drugs I was knocked out with," was his immediate response. He frowned at Harris' sigh.

"Gotta love Sunnydale syndrome. Whatever. I repeat, what do you want, Guppy? Last time I checked you were just a two-bit loan-shark. If Spike owes you money you need to take it up with him."

"Oh, I've moved up the food chain, Harris," it sneered. "I deal in information now and you, dear boy, are going to be a wonderful new source of information for me. All the secrets of the Council locked away in that thick skull of yours are going to be mine."

"What did I tell you?" Harris sighed, shaking his head in mock despair. "Egotistical idiots with delusions of grandeur. Seriously, were you oxygen deprived as a tadpole, Guppy? It's common knowledge that my brain eats psychics and if you think torturing some poor schmuck is going to make me spill my guts then you haven't bothered to do your homework. Yeah, I'll feel bad when you torture him to death but the life of some guy I don't know isn't worth the lives of all my girls. No offense, dude."

"None taken. I'd do the same," Cooper admitted.

"How touching," the thing sneered, wiping a fake tear from its' eye. "Torture is so messy though. Plus I've found the loveliest set of spells."

"Again, protected from psychic tampering, sushi-brain."

"Ah, yes, you are," it pointed at Harris before grinning widely and pointing at Cooper. "He is not, however."

From the corner of his eye Cooper could see Harris' mouth open then close with a frown. Finally, "Okay. I'm stumped. How is him being open to psychic tampering useful to you? I still won't tell you anything."

"That's the beauty of the spells I found. Using them I can bypass all your protections and download, if you will, all the information into the mind of a close blood relative who does not have those pesky protections. I kill you and harvest his mind at my leisure." The thing was pretty damn smug and Harris even looked impressed.

"There's just one problem with your little plan, Guppy," Harris smirked. "All my close blood relatives are at the bottom of the Sunnydale Crater. Pulling some random guy off the street doesn't make him a relative."

"Ah, but he's not just some random guy. I'd like you to meet Agent William Cooper born William Harris to Anthony and Melinda Harris nee Patterson. She divorced Anthony for spousal abuse when William was a year old. By the time he was three she remarried and her new husband, Jack Cooper, adopted little William treating him as his own flesh and blood. You two are half-brothers which makes you close blood relatives. Now that I've finished my Evil Overlord Monologue it's time..."

Whatever else it was going to say was lost when its' head suddenly exploded like an overripe melon.

"It's about damn time!" Harris shouted, shifting his hands in Cooper's lap, making him yelp. "Sorry bout that. Just need to reach... Alohamora." Cooper boggled when Harris' cuffs snapped open. Shaking out his arms, Harris did something Cooper couldn't see, repeated, "Alohamora," and Cooper's hands were free.

"Alohamora? Really? A Harry Potter spell?" Cooper demanded even as he bent to untie his legs.

"Hey, blame Willow. She's the one who set the activation word for the runes," Harris retorted untying his own legs. "How do you even know about Harry Potter?"

Cooper snorted getting to his feet. "You mean besides the fact that it's been one of the biggest pop culture phenomenons for the last decade and a half? I have two pre-teens. Of course I know Harry Potter."

"Well, isn't this lovely," a familiar voice said making Cooper turn around. He snapped his mouth shut, teeth grinding at the sight of Victoria Winslow coming towards them with a sniper rifle. Following behind her was Frank Moses and several young women he didn't recognize.

"What is this? Take a civilian to work day?" Harris snarked. "What took so long? I activated my 'I got kidnapped' rune, like, three hours ago."

"Do quit whining, Alexander. You were never in any danger," Victoria hushed Harris. "And Francis is hardly a civilian when it comes to the supernatural. William, Sarah called Michelle for you so she wouldn't worry. Oh, and congratulations. Marvin confirmed that the overgrown guppy was telling the truth. You two are, in fact, half-brothers."

The two men finally looked at each other for the first time. Cooper in his tailored suit; Harris in work boots, cargo pants, t-shirt and loud Hawaiian shirt.

"Cute hair," Harris smirked.

"Nice eye patch," Cooper snarked.

"Play nice, boys."

"Yes, Victoria," they said in unison then rolled their eyes at the resulting snickers.

 

The End


End file.
